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Here's a rundown of what my Friday and Saturday consisted of.

Friday - 6.30pm
Get off work and jump on the train to Eltham. Allegedly perform Jedi Mind Trick on ticket inspector by showing him a Zone 1 ticket at Montmorency. Of course just typing it doesn't make it real in case of libel, but they really should find a better way of policing fare evasion which doesn't involve assuming people are awful criminals. You know, guys like me (if indeed I did do it...)

7.30
Arrive at Eltham station and jump into Marcus' car to find out Sri Lanka is playing like crap. Break into rendition of Marsland's "Vengabus/Charminda Vaas is coming" because I can. It's either hilarious or bewildering depending on your knowledge or sense of humour.

8.00
Arrive at Marcus' place then receive phone call from his girlfriend Eileen where her family has failed to detect a mutant kebab that had been growing in their unused oven for almost three months. Images of Resident Evil style slayings of semi sentient undead kebab men somehow conjure themselves up in my head. With an imagination like that, it's times like those that I'm most glad to be me and not some mindless git.

8.40
Actual conversation with Eileen takes this long as we have a big conference call over speaker phone, just like Jack Bauer would with the President. Tomb Raider is on and she announces some sort of liking for Angelina Jolie for no particular reason. I suppose I have no issue with that.

9.00
Around this time the Australia v Sri Lanka game is done and dusted and was very disappointing indeed. But never fear, as Marcus introduces me to the wonderful world of indoor cricket... through corridors and doorways. For the next couple of hours we barely avoid smashing priceless family heirlooms while we upgrade our hand eye coordination. Every now and then we use the door jambs to our advantage with Beckham like bends to fool Hawkeye.

11.00
One the only reasons I would shell out some hard earned for the infinite repitorium (where TV shows go to die in an endless cycle of repeats) known as cable comes on in the form of Conan O'Brian. Due to the writers' strike he fills time by giving an audience member a tour of the NBC building where they run up and down stairs a lot. It sounds a lot less interesting than it actually is. O'Brian is a champ.

Saturday - 12.00am
At some point we sit down to watch the replay of the T20 game between the Kiwis and the Poms. England is actually good for once which is a nice change of pace. We also go for another innings of household smashout and play cards for a bit until 2am or so. At this stage I've been awake for almost 20 hours and really should know better.

3.00
The cricket ends and early episodes of WPT comes on. Van Patten is in the early stages of perfecting his toolish facade. Oh wait, he was always like that. Backgammon comes on at 4am and try as I might, I will not be able to pick up the finer qualities of the game at this time of night. Some random Russian girl is playing there and happens to be less than half the average age of everyone else there, not to again mention the fact she is female. Backgammon championships are a lot like chess championships, but with fewer groupies.

6.00
My timeline is very foggy at this stage for good reason, but I think there were only two hours of backgammon. You know it'd do a lot better if it had commentary by Dennis Commetti or Vince Van Patten. I don't know of any good backgammon jokes, please send them in and explain them in 500 words or less.

Around this time more cricket comes on. This time it's the replay of last night's game and I sleep through the awfulness.

12:00pm
Awaken to uncertain morning and feel need for more cricket. No, not really but a shower took care of that. They have a a mini hourglass in the shower which helps them with water restrictions and all. I suddenly feel like the Prince of Persia in the Sands of Time where the floor of the shower cubicle opens up to plunge my awfully drenched naked body into a snake pit. Then all I'd have to do is turn the hourglass upside down and all would be well again! I continue playing Sands of Time for the next half hour, single handedly undoing all the water Marcus' family would have saved over the course of the month.

I know you didn't need all that imagery, I'm so sorry. In case you were wondering, I didn't spend all that time in the shower. I kid, I kid!

2.00
While waiting for lunch, we go to the backyard to play outdoors cricket where we can hit the ball slightly harder. Lunch comes and goes, where I forget how hot hot English mustard actually is when I put dollop upon dollop on into my burger roll. It has a certain Wasabi feel to it which clears my sinuses up good. I try not to show it but I occasionally have to take an extra drink.

3.00
Back for more cricket. A live ODI between NZ and England is on, but England have suddenly forgotten how to play 50 overs cricket and are promptly bowled out for a low total. It was so bad we decided we had to go outside and play just to prove even we are less incompetent than those stinking Poms. It's strange how much easier the ball is to his when you're not facing scoreboard pressure. It also helps that we're not trying to tear each other's heads off with each delivery.

Sunday - 2pm
By now I have been home for a fair while but the match between us and the Indians comes on the TV. I watch about 10 overs before I decide I've had enough and go upstairs for some much needed sleep. I later wake up at 7 to discover we're in deep shit anyway, so no big loss really.

And that's all from me for now. If all goes well I'll have an epic post that'll reek of effort and will hopefully muster a chuckle or two out of a couple of you. Laters, y'all!