The subject of today's pointless ramble is that of the celebrity endorsement. Everyone understands the concept. If a well known personality puts their weight behind a product, then chances are it won't kill or maim you horribly.
One of my favourite ones as of late is the campaign where tennis legends Todd Woodbridge and Mark Woodforde use the Woodies brand name to promote the brand of Flora Pro-Activ. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with it, after all everyone needs a little grease in their lives. But this advert contains very unusual scripting.
"It was a real surprise to hear that 1 in 2 Australian adults are affected by cholesterol. But as one half of the Woodies, I didn’t think I’d be one of them."
For those who really can't be bothered clicking the link above. For shame...(The original ad can still be seen here for now)
Well really if you think about it, on the law of averages it'd have to be either you or Mark, I'm afraid. I like to think that being one half of the Woodies would provide you with many other advantages besides perceived resistance to cholesterol. The ability to accept moderate sums of money to appear in poorly thought out marketing campaigns comes to mind. Or perhaps some sort of personal cloaking field to avoid being known as an unscrupulous margarine salesman while walking down the street.
The website has its own blog section in which advertising executives pretend to be the Woodies and make them say silly things like "I must admit, at first I thought it would be hard to incorporate the 25g of Flora pro-activ into my daily diet, but so far its been quite easy!" Suddenly Todd goes overkill and his breakfast toast becomes cocooned in a thick coating of margarine. Personally I find that meals become a lot more fun when you have to guess what you're being served underneath a layer of processed fats. More often than not they turn out to be Brussels sprouts, the most hated vegetable in the entire universe. Though if you were stuck for ideas I guess you could eat it straight out of the tub, but somehow I don't think Todd would approve.
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All this talk of grease suddenly brings me back to my extra super cool Bacon Spray (expected to hit a dinner plate near you in 2014... watch those shelves) and another excellent 'idea' for a product Marcus and I brainstormed a few weeks ago. I think it's time for me to put on my dodgy car salesmanship voice - channel the sleaziness of 21 generations of motoring reps from the local graveyard and away we go...
Hey you, yes you! Sick and tired of storing putrid waste with your innards like a loser? Had a gutful of tedious trips to public toilets where your sanity (IE the super incorrectly stated state of being sanitised) cannot be guaranteed not once, not twice but often thrice a day? Would you rather use this valuable time for far more important tasks like watching football on TV or umm, watching more football on TV?
Well fear not, cos the good folks at Illogical Enterprises have come up with the solution to all your wasteful needs! Introducing the all new Portable Colostomiser* (PC) which comes in all shapes and sizes to cater for the modern man too busy to give a shit. The waterworks fit easily and unobtrusively under clothing, making it undetectable to the casual observer.
The PC comes in three sizes depending on your needs. A simple backpack can be fitted out where other things such as books and pens can be stored away, making it doubly as practical. For the ladies where appearance is everything, a handbag sized option is available allowing you to relax freely for a night on the town. No need to worry about lining up for the ladies' room anymore, the PC will store all the crap for you.
For those with extra storage needs, an extra large version is available ("Mockup" here). This model has enough storage space for even the most extremely gastronomically proportioned individuals. But that's not all. This special edition comes with its very own disposal hose for emergencies. The hose is equipped with a high pressure nozzle that allows for quick efficient disposal, which is of great benefit to a backyard in desperate need of nutrients and moisture especially given the drought afflicting our nation.
So don't just sit there on the can putting all that liquid gold to waste, make an improvement to your life and the environment by buying the Portable Colostimiser today!
Well really when you put it that way, I'm not sure how I could refuse. Though the benefits of the PC is clear for all to see, it did not take long for my mind to come up with less than savoury uses for this little device. In the wrong hands someone with a fully loaded PC full of crap (must be all that spyware) could easily go postal and give pedestrians on a busy city block something to dodge while grabbing their morning coffees. I eagerly look forward to the day I flog this invention on the New Inventors and give Jimmy O a good hosing down like the effluent person he probably is. Allegedly.
"And so I point the nozzle right in my face and press the big red button?", James said as I looked on with an evil grin on my face.
And thus brings us to the end of another of the many posts on the Net founded upon toilet humour. I'm not sure if you deserve this kind of content... after all, as one half of the Woodies, you never thought you would end up reading about shit like this.
*Oh, and I know the bag is technically called an Ostomy Bag, but that would ruin my lousy PC pun. Never allow the truth to get in the way of a poorly constructed joke, that's what I always say.