Say Something...

I did promise you many tales of football spectating glory the other day, and I shall try not to disappoint. One story by itself doesn't seem to have enough content to fill out 500 - 600 words anyway, so this does make things far easier. Or at least that's how long I think my posts go for, I never bother with a word count... maybe I should, I'm not trying to write War and Peace here...


Chapter One - Life Changing Bullshit Ideas

Our first story takes place during Round 13: Kangaroos v Bulldogs at the MCG. Originally I wasn't planning on going, even though it was Glenn Archer's 300th game. The only thing really stopping me was the awful weather, which really could've been a lot worse given we live in Melbourne, where all four seasons can be experienced in one day. Luckily Darren and Marcus had been itching to see a game of footy as of late, and since Marcus's team wasn't in town and Darren didn't have a team to begin with, my team was chosen as default. Go go default!

Lunch at Hungry Jack's was good, even if it took us a long walk up and down Swanston Street before deciding on lunch. Here, we put our entrepreneuring (yes I know that's not a word... but "lawyering" is...) caps on and invented a new way for Americans to gain weight at exponential rates. You see, for hundreds of years people have enjoyed the wonderful sensation of freshly squeezed grease on their favourite burger or milkshake of choice. But what about all the other food groups left out in the cold without that slippery sense of self satisfaction? It'd certainly be the kick in the arse breakfast cereals have been missing for years.

Enter the crazy new world of Bacon Spray. Not feeling sufficiently clogged up inside? Are those pesky arteries getting in the way of a good midday nap? Well now you'll be able to chow down any meal, snack or blood transfusion with a generous helping of Bacon Spray, a completely 100% substance made from pure goodness of natural lard, just the way Mother Nature intended it to be! Imagine the benefits. Is butter simply not passing mustard on that slice of toast? Bacon Spray will solve that problem for good! Feel like eating a piece of your own clothing? Bacon Spray will chemically crispen (or crispify) that unwanted shirt you were never going to wear anyway. Find yourself walled up in an old fireplace by your arch enemy? Never fear, Bacon Spray can also be used as a corrosive and can burn away most organic and non organic materials, leaving them tasting great so you can eat your way to freedom! Now that's a gift anyone can enjoy.

Strangely, I had never been to a game of footy at the G' before. But using my superior sense of direction attained from hundreds of cricket matches, I was able to at least pretend to know where I was leading the party. Once we had settled down up in the 3rd tier of the MCG, we were ready to enjoy the match. Petrie managed to steal the show with six goals in the first quarter alone, and by the end I was boldly predicting a score of 200+ by the way we were going. Of course, linear projection doesn't usually work too well when it comes to sports, or anything else for that matter now that I think of it. Oh well.


Chapter Two - Yet Another CSI Spin off?

The following week, I went along with Kavi, Daniel, Josh and a couple of friends of his to the match between Geelong and Essendon at the Dome. I was impressed Josh was even able to get tickets, given that the game had been sold out as of Friday. Even one of my bosses, who is possibly twenty times the football fan I am couldn't get enough tickets to feed his ravenous brood of Essendon supporters. I guess it beats being a family of Collingwood supporters. Cue dental jokes here, possibly one where they only have one complete set of teeth between them.

As per usual, Josh was late, but really it was nothing we weren't already used to. It's written into your DNA as far as I'm concerned. Just like my love of all things elephantine (check my Facebook pic for confirmation). It's nice to meet up with all the guys again, it feels like it's been such a long time, and indeed it has been far too long. It doesn't seem quite right. But it is very easy to lose contact especially when you work full time and you don't really feel like doing much by the time Friday rolls around. That's something I have to change for sure, the sooner the better.

Being a neutral third party at a footy match is very different. For one thing, you normally wouldn't care who wins or loses as long as there is a good game to be seen. In this instance I didn't really have a grudge against either team so I was more or less impartial. I just enjoyed watching my Cat supporting friends bag their own team even at the first hint that they were losing, and watching my Bomber supporting friends wince with every goal that slowly made up the difference between the two teams at the end. It's the entire spectacle that makes live events worth watching, so even if you don't have a team, the game can still be fun to watch.

The entire event was slightly sullied when something of the liquid variety fell on my head. At first I thought it was just the rain, but then I realised this was Telstra Dome and the roof was sealed shut. A leak perhaps? My answer was soon to come when I put my sunglasses on and ran my finger through a bit of it and took a whiff of it, CSI style like that red headed guy who can't act and has the worst one liners ever. "Looks like someone went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out." Good god that's awful. Funny, but awful.

Upon further inspection back at the lab/my nose, it turns out I was doused in beer from the guys standing up in the row behind me. Ugh. If I wanted to smell like beer, I would've just gone ahead and had a couple of drinks myself, not partake in a rain dance of beer. Though really the smart thing to do would be do just open my mouth, stretch my neck backwards and steal a few drops of light strength beer. I really shouldn't have feared if they were to retaliate, I'd just casually pull out my trusty old can of Bacon Spray and burn their eyes to cinders.